Happy Birthday to me

Today I have spent a very pleasant with Mr Man, on the occasion of it being my birthday.  The morning passed very pleasantly having a lie in and opening lots of lovely cards and presents, before going for lunch at the Bishop pub (Fish fingers with tomato sauce  -yum), and then spending a very relaxing afternoon setting up my new Apple TV device, which we have now tested and I am very impressed to see how functional and clever it is. I did not really know much about them before today, other than I had seen it on the Apple website as an option but had no idea what their function is. Basically it is a device which lets you watch everything you have ever downloaded onto an ipad or iphone, as well as computer, on the luxury of a proper size TV. You can also look at photos (which would be brilliant if I have invested the time in sorting them out into nice little folders and deleting all those odds ones which are only there to sell things on ebay or  credit card forms scanned and sent as an attatchment with hotel bookings).

I also was a very lucky girl and received lots of other nice presents including clothes, beauty vouchers and a meat cookery book from the Ginger Pig where we went on our recent butchery course.  I also got a digitial underwater camera ready for our imminent holiday where it can be used effectively during our snorkelling adventures in the Maldives which we will be doing this time next week.

This afternoon, we treated ourselves out to a hot chocolate and a latte (Mr Man also had some carrott cake) at the Blackbird Bakery in between braving the bitter cold climate to get outside. I think I had just the right number of layers on to be warm whilst out but not not so hot that on entering the house I immediately want to strip everything off.  So, all in all it has been a lovely but quiet birthday. The positive thoughts for the day are abundant but  I have been very touched by the number of birthday messages I have had from friends and family all over the place. It is always nice to hear from people but especially so on your birthday. So, I am off now to finish my relaxing evening with Mr Man, as I am feeling pretty tired again.  It is tiring work being awake all day.

Coming through the fog at last

As you may well recall from earlier posts, I quite like wrapping up warm in the cold weather and being all cosy in a good piece of knitwear. So it is very exciting to me that the weather has finally turned properly cold and I can wear my warmest scarf, cosiest gloves and wooliest hat when leaving the house. Whilst my outdoor expeditions are still fairly limited in my current state I have managed to get out a little lately and dress up warm in the process. 

I know I have not written much here of late for which I apologise, but I've been incredibly tired this last week. This is to be expected but it has also brought a stronger degree of lethargy which I am having to fight doubly hard to overcome.  In recent weeks my mum has continued to be brilliant and has spent man a long day at the end of my bed nattering away in between making me tea and helping out around the house. It's amazing how quickly our house becomes a bomb site when you stop doing the washing no matter how briefly.  During these very important trips Mum retails me with stories about how she is filling her retirement days and largely it all sounds rather fun in a funny sort of way. She has become an active WI member, completing her right of passage by making plum jam, and also still does some invidulating for her old school in tests and exams. It would appear that this no longer involves just pacing up and down in clunky heels as was the case when I was at school, but in some cases practically doing the exam for the kids. No really, it appears that this is alas virtually true.

Did you know for example that some children in today's education system have hand writing so terrible that they are allowed to have someone write their exams for them so that the answers are at least legible? I always thought scribes in exams were only for those unfortunates who had broken arms or similar which prevented them from writing, or who had a major disability which warranted such support,  not for those who never bothered to practice their handwriting from an early age like the majority of us. During our 30 year reminisce on a week or so ago, G and I discussed the handwriting book we had at infants school where we had to first trace and then copy the shapes of the letters, and then whole words as we learnt them as an integral part of our basic education in reading and writing. I find it utterly staggering that some children are allowed to not do this  regardless of their age. Surely, if they can't write (or in fact read, as it also materialises that many children are given readers in exams as they cannot read the questions themselves) then they should stay having lessons on these basics until they can do it. This may all sound a bit strict, and don't get me wrong I am not talking about children with genuine learning difficulties such as dyslexia and the like, but surely it is a misuse of resources to have exam invigilators reading out the questions, and then writing down the answers for these people if they cant be bothered to practice the basics of reading and writing to reach a standard good enough to take a straightforward written test? 

Anyway, my rant aside (I take this as a measure that I am getting stronger at least mentally if I can put forward my feelings on this matter through the chemo haze) I have enjoyed spending time with my Mum of late, and tomorrow we are going to be brave and visit the Shepperton Wig studio, as I've decided it's time to bite the bullet and sort out my barnet. It's falling out rapidly and although it's more thinning than completely disappearing I really hate finding hair everywhere and it is horrid to touch not knowing if it's going to come out in your hand or not. I spoke to a lovely lady on the phone who explained what would happen and I'm booked in at 1pm to start the process of my new hair. So the positive thought for today is very much that I that to look forward to plus I am getting stronger by the day which has to be a good thing. 

And finally, if I wanted to write this out by hand I could. It would be legible and hopefully make sense. I never thought that this would be considered such an achievement in today's society.

So this is what normal feels like

After my previous post, I've been asked how I know that Madame Chemo is a woman. Well, only a female mind could be so complex on average to cause such a range of physical and psychological feelings in one person. Having as I do both a husband and male Labrador sharing my home it is fair to say that I am qualified to confirm that neither of these alpha males could be capable of such a diverse group of side effects all at the same time.  Don't get me wrong, the male mind is not always easy to understand and is equally likely to generate anger, confusion, pain and distress as it's female equivalent but it tends to do so in a much more simple fashion. Hence Madame Chemo is definitely a woman. 

And so it is with an understandable anxiety and trepidation that I find myself awaiting the hopefully final round which starts on Wednesday 18 January. At present I am feeling much perkier than I have done in a while, and am quite enjoying being awake, alert and in minimal amounts of discomfort. Today, Mr Man and I went out to eat for the first time that we can remember for ages as I quite fancied some grilled meat, a need which was nicely satiated at a local Turkish style restaurant specialising in BBQ'd meats. Perfect really. Although I wasn't scraping the pate clean and ordering dessert, I managed to consume a reasonable amount before conceding defeat, which is a big step forward for me in the food stakes. 

This past couple of days have been quite adventure filled as well. Yesterday I had the pleasure of spending all day in the Harley Street Clinic having Ascitic fluid drained from my peritoneum. A slightly uncomfortable but not too hideous procedure which resulted in me leaving 2.6litres of fluid lighter than when I arrived, so not all bad at all. My Mum and Lil' sis and Mr Man all came to visit me so I had good company all day to pass the time and now I should feel less bloated and more comfortable. 

This morning, my friend S came to visit which was great as I have not seen her fora while and it was good to catch up. We went for some soup for lunch in a local cafe and it was all very civilised.  I also went round to see my oldest friend G for a cup of tea this afternoon as today we celebrated 30 years since our first day at infants school together. 30 years is a very long time and so we can be forgiven for not remembering all the details of our first educational establishment (although not being certain if our second teacher there was Mrs Harvey or not will irritate the pair of us until one of our parents can provide clarity on the details). We have agreed that once I am back on my feet properly we will do something more substantial to celebrate our first 30 years of friendship so we have that to look forward to as well.

So, whilst the next week will bring its challenges I have the weekend to enjoy, and hopefully all things being well I will be in a position to do just that. Just like being a normal person again really. Happy Weekend to the whole Project Nicola team. Enjoy.

No January blues here

January is ticking by and already the days are starting to look a little longer which is a big positive.  Now we just need to get rid of some of the cloud which is making everything look so drab and dull and we will have ourselves the makings of a nice day worth getting out of bed for. I've also always felt fairly protective over January however as lots of people seem to think it is a terrible month full of dull misery after the festive season.  This has always perturbed me since the only reason some people find January less exciting than any other month is because they make it so, by being miserable and telling themselves everything is dull.  In addition, to a general belief in the fact that you make your own destiny (if you tell yourself you're having a rubbish month, then you will do), my birthday is in January and so I spend the whole month looking forward to that, and so how can I possibly think of it as a below par month?

My recovery from the last round of chemo has taken longer than the last due to the cumulative effects of the treatment, but I am now starting to feel more awake and a little stronger which is a big plus.  Today I made it to the Blue Mountain cafe with G for a pot of tea which was a very pleasant way to spend the afternoon.  Yesterday, my Mum came to visit again and she also managed to get me out as far as the same cafe where Mum had a spot of lunch and I enjoyed a banana milkshake, which was again a nice way to spend an afternoon. Tomorrow, I have no plans as such but I am setting myself a goal to get out of the house and make it as far as one of the local cafe's for a sit down and a cup of tea.  It may not sound much but everything is taken a small step at a time at the moment.

It is also not long to go until Mr Man and I go on our reward holiday to the glorious Maldives. It has however come to my attention that due to my recent reduction in size and scale, I don't really have any clothes that fit me, including everything from underwear to outerwear. So, due to my incapacity to get out and about very far to actually visit any shops, I have this afternoon spent some time on the wonderous internet doing some shopping for basic clothing items from the ever reliable Marks and Spencer so I have something to put into my case when we go away, which does not look like ill fitting hand me downs. This is very exciting, as I now have something to look forward to in the form of a parcel being delivered from M&S with much needed new pants.  I just hope it arrives before the next sleepy phase kicks in so I don't miss the knock at the front door, as a holiday with no clothes would be quite frankly a disaster.

Sometimes all you need is a hug

There are sometimes in life when you just need your mum, and today has been one of those days. I'm very lucky in that my mum retired last summer which means she is able to come and see me fairly readily. She also doesn't live too far away which is also handy.  So when yesterday I called her and asked if she would be able to come to see me to provide some much needed company and tlc, I was very relieved when she said yes.  Today she has been here since late morning, and has made tea, toast, soup, put clean sheets on the bed for me (once she has coerced me out of it) did some washing and possibly most importantly gave me cuddles when I needed them. She sat at the end of my bed talking to me and keeping me company for the best part of the day. In short she has been an absolute angel. And I love her for it. Thank you Mum xx

Hello again

Chemotherapy is a cruel mistress. On the one hand she promises to rid me of thus invasion of unwelcome disease which is now thanks to the toxic efforts thus far of Madame chemo shrinking as it should. On the other however she makes me feel drained to my core to the extent I can barely clamber out of bed to reach a glass of water and so nauseous and sick that I couldn't dare move from the bed even if I had the energy.   I haven't eaten properly in about  a week and that's not through a lack of trying (see above point on nausea) which makes me look gaunt and saggy as if all my muscles have just caved away.  Judging by how my legs feel when I try to stand for more than a few seconds, this could well be the case in fact. I have slept for about 42 of the last 48 hours and this weariness shows little sign of abating just yet.  And these are just the physical symptoms. Mentally it is another story again. Due to the large expanses of time spent asleep it is hard to distinguish sometimes between what is real and what is imagined. And what is imagined can be quite surreal which brings its own challenges. I dreamt the other night that I was on a beach holiday in the Caribbean with the strangest mix of people ranging from randoms from university I had not thought if in years to people I have at some point in the last few years come across but hardly significantly.  Add this to the fact it was raining on the beach, there were no hotels and I had to get a boat to the mainland to collect my medication and you have the makings of a seriously disturbed nightmare. Couple this with unpredictable awake phases which tend to occur in the middle of the conventional night and you can see why chemo is both mentally and physically draining. 

So, I've now done 5 rounds of the stuff. That is 83% of the expected course.  Only one more round to go. What happens next depended very much on the next scan and how much further the chemo has shrunk the disease.  One thing is for sure though, is that there will be more treatment and so my arduous relationship with Madame chemo is far from over. 

I apologise for not blogging sooner. I realise it's been a long time but since the end of round 4 I've been wiped out and what with christmas in the way as well things have slipped a bit. Despite my fragile state and propensity to be asleep however we all had a lovely festive break at my parents where I got to nap as required and mr man was suitably fed and watered by my mum, which made both of them feel needed I think.  The astute amongst you will have noticed the hour of this posting however and so as I write in the early hours of the second day of the year when I can surely be the only person awake not nursing a hangover this tells you that whilst round 5 has been fully administered, it's effects are still on full display. Bring on the next one as I think I've just about you nailed.