Sleeping beauty

If the fairy tales are to be believed then I should be very beautiful judging by the amount of sleep I've been getting in the last week. The mirror however seems to suggest otherwise. I also think that the large quantity of shut eye which my body has been demanding has started to influence what my brain thinks is real and otherwise. In short I am getting confused about things that have really happened and those that I have dreamt up during a drug infused doze.

An example of this fine line between imagination and reality happened on Friday morning when my overly glamourous pilot Amiga K arrived on my doorstep to say hello. As I was still in the sleepy phase post chemo, I had not long since got out of bed and so needed 10 mins to throw some clothes on and sort myself out. By the time I got back downstairs, I found Amiga K clattering around in the kitchen dressed for a night out in her patent heels, silver eye shaddow and my domestic goddess apron using every available surface to mix up some pastry and in the full throws of making mince pies.(Some people may be thinking this sounds like a bizarre kinky fantasy but believe me it is not!!) This vision of surrealness did turn out to be real as weird as it might sound but was just not a scene I was expecting particularly because the night before Mr Man and I had spent ages tidying up the kitchen as our cleaners were due to come on Friday. I don't think I hid my dismay very well, but in any case Amiga K did clear up after herself and in the nick of time before the cleaners arrived. And she left me with a tin of mince pies to feed subsequent visitors and they are very much real.

Another very real event is that Mr Man has now finished work for Christmas and so today we have escaped with the woof dog from the hustle and bustle of the city to spend a few days by the seaside in our castle. After last time we have arranged for the boiler to be serviced tomorrow so that should bean end to any nasty heating related surprises and we are hoping to get the chimney swept so we can bravely use the wood burning stove which will be very festive and cosy since it is so cold outside. Hopefully this time around we will have a more successful trip and I'll be in a better state to enjoy the fresh air and seaside scenery. Fingers and toes are all crossed.

So, our Christmas is now officially beginning. This is a very happy thought as I love Christmas and normally get very festive at this time of year. On the outside it might not look like we are too much in the spirit as we chose not to have a tree. This decision was based on the facts that we are not at home for Christmas and had planned a few days here this week, plus the obvious obstacles presented by the chemo treatment. We still have fairy lights in the trees outside and these give a festive impression to our home which is good enough for me given the circumstances. Another happy thought is that this week Mr Man and I should get to spend lots of quality time together away from home and the interruptions of his work and my hospital interventions. It should be a good chance to reconnect and relax, as well as celebrating the recent news that its not just my thighs which are shrinking as a result of all this chemotherapy. I'm looking forward to it very much.

Going up town to see the lights

So, it's one week until Christmas Eve. How exciting! Unfortunately I have spent most of this week asleep so it has sort of crept up on me a bit. I have all but one present left to buy and even that is pretty much under control now. This just leaves the normally enjoyable task of wrapping them, subject to finding some wrapping paper and the motivation to do it. Hopefully once this is done, I'll be feeling a lot more Christmassy.

I have had quite a few visits up into town recently, so I've had lots of opportunity to see the various sets of Christmas lights up and around in the west end of London. We also had a drive by past Trafalgar Square to see the famous Norwegian tree. It was on one of these Christmas light viewings that I had to have a CT scan with contrast dye. The way that this particular scan is described is as being a dynamic X-ray which feels like a 'hot flush' when the contrast dye which shows up the abnormalities. Well, whoever described it as such has almost certainly never had either a hot flush or indeed a CT scan, as to say it was a bit like a hot flush does not come close!! The best way in which I can describe the quite frankly hideous sensation which over came me would be to say it felt like my blood was being set on fire in my veins culminating in my heart feeling like it was exploding. Overall suffice to say it was not pleasant. It is no surprise therefore that even after all of my recent sleep I still needed a big lie down when I got home to get over the whole ordeal.

Despite the distress of the ordeal, we have now had the results of the nasty CT scan, and the upshot is, it's all shrinking. Everything is on track to beat this thing which is reassuring. I'm just looking forward to being awake and alert enough to celebrate this milestone. In the meantime, I'm still enjoying my naps. And believing myself healthy and pain free.

A renewed energy

So, I am now officially over 2/3 of the way through the planned chemotherapy programme having made it through four complete sessions now. Woo hoo! This is quite an achievement, especially given how terribly round three played out, which meant I was quite nervous as we started round four, especially with the added complication of a fault with my Borg port which delayed things by 2 days. Anyway, these hurdles and anxieties were overcome and I'm happy to report that I am now on the other side of round four and starting to get more energy and appetite which is a big step forward in the very rightest of directions.

This week aside from sleeping I managed to be awake enough for a visit from my very good friend Jimbo (of the jet set fame). For a boy he is not that bad at keeping in touch but we were quite appalled to realise that we hadnt actually seen each other properly since his wedding to the lovely E, which was nearly 4 years ago.... Terrible. We do speak quite regularly through the technological marvel that is Skype normally whilst he is bored on a night stop somewhere in America and texts and emails flow occasionally, but to have not spent any time face to face for long seems wrong, however as is the case with any true friend it really doesn't matter as from the second he walked in the front door this afternoon to the moment he left early this evening, we were chattering about everything and everything as if we were picking up from yesterday's tea party. It was a lovely afternoon. As well as being great company Jimbo also kindly offered to and empty the dishwasher and made tea, in addition to arriving armed with cupcakes to start with.  Plus, the first thing he said when opening the cupboard to make the tea was "what lovely mugs" on spotting a fine selection of Emma Bridgewater, so I was smiling from the off really.

And it has not just been one friendly angel who has visited me this week. Whilst i was having chemo on Friday the old goat came along for a few hours to keep me company after having had the new port put in and then having to have a full day of chemo on the hospital ward rathercthan in the day care centre. She always manages to make me laugh and so made what could have been a very dull and miserable afternoon into something quite fun. Then, in yesterday's quagmire of sleep requirement coupled with the dazedness and confusion normally associated with the post chemo haze, I had an urgent need for food and no way of getting anything suitable. One text to the brilliant G later and I soon had several cans of fruit to provide me with the necessary sustenance to sustain my self out of bed, and begin the long climb back from ball of exhausted mush, to real human being.  And then last night, my batteries ran out suddenly and I couldn't muster the energy to do anything, least of all finish changing the sheets on the bed which i had started in the afternoon. This might not seem much but given how important regular clean sheets are to me this, tied with my general frailty and lack of motivation to move caused me to have a bit of a patheticness attack, when Lil' Sis responded to my cry for help and spent her evening feeding me spoon peaches, sweet tea and most importantly put clean sheets on my bed so I could have as restful a nights sleep as possible.  So although I am still tired and in the post chemo haze where I loose myself mid sentence, get a bit confused when trying to do more than one thing at once, I am starting to come through it and sat nights good sleep really helped. 

Today's happy thought therefore is that these individuals have all delivered support and assistance to me in my hour of need, and all three have contributed to my recover in this cycle.  From talking to the old Goat,Jimbo, G and Lil' Sis I also realised that in the abyss of chemo and the distress of the last cycle i have lost track a little of what positive really looks like. It has therefore reminded me that the need to be positive has to be specific and so I am focussing on two key positive thoughts at present; I am healthy; I am pain free.  Please join me in manifesting these happy, positive thoughts to make them  a reality as soon as possible. That way we can all get back to normal and I can get back to making tea for visitors in my home rather than the other way round!!

Slight detours are part of every journey

It has been a frustrating week so far. I started off in a lot of pain and was actually sick over the weekend which is a new side effect for me, and it left me feeling pretty rubbish to say the least. I was hopeful though that once the chemo round 4 got underway the pain would recede as it has done in the past. Disappointingly, round 4 has had to be postponed as when I went for the routine bloodtests they found my so called magical port had "broken" and so they could not draw blood from it nor can I have chemo injected until it is fixed. I am currently waiting to hear when they can fix the port which will involve another hospital procedure and once I know that then I'll know whn chemo can recommence. In the interim, I have a team of pain specialists working with me to reduce the pain and sickness which I am currently enduring.

This post therefore may not be as perky or as interesting as some of my others but it is serving a very important purpose; it is letting you all know what is going on so you can keep sending positive thoughts in my direction and in turn it allows you to understand why I am not answering the phone or returning messages as faithfully as I normally do. Until I feel better and everything is back on track I will be focussing on me time and taking all the positive energy I can find to turn this little unplanned detour into a scenic diversion. Thank you all for your love, positivity and understanding.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

This weekend Mr Man, Barney Trubble and I have escaped from the big city in favour of sea air, country views and a taste of rural living in our castle. Due to recent events we have not been able to get down here for a while as since I cannot drive at present due to the side effects of some of the medications which have a tendency to make me a bit fuzzy round the edges, the driving is all down to Mr Man. Due to his five day a week a job and a likeness for playing hockey on Saturdays, weekends by the seaside have not happened as much as we would have liked as by the time hockey is over and we got here, we would only have 24 hours before it was time to go home again. However, this weekend Mr Man has foregone the opportunity to be spotted by the GB selectors and took Friday and Monday off so we could have some bracing fresh air, and a very much needed change of scenery.

We arrived on Friday afternoon, although it was very dark when we got here. This was partly very noticeable as the sun had set, but also the lack of orange glow from street lights made the night sky look even more black than it ever does at home. When there is a clear sky the star gazing opportunities are phenomenal and I could spend many an hour getting a crick in my neck trying to identify the plough and Orion which are the only two constellations I can pick out with any degree of certainty. After settling down for the evening feeling very pleased that we were inside in the dry whilst it was pouring down outside and very big rain was hammering in the conservatory roof, it became apparent that whilst we may have been dry, we most certainly weren't warm. We had no heating. Terrific. According to the thermostat it was a toasty 12.5 degrees Celsius and no amount of switching it on and off again was going to get the boiler to heat the radiators. We have recently had the bathrooms refitted and so have been aware of the delicacy of the boiler with regard to hot water, but the heating issue was a new problem. Friday evening was spent shivering under blankets and I ended up going to bed dressed as if I were spending a night at the ice hotel. I even opted for my eye mask as although it was plenty dark enough, it provided added warmth to my face. This morning, therefore, I was surprised at how easy it was to find a local heating plumber who was very helpful and able to come out this afternoon to rectify the issues. You would certainly never get such efficient helpfulness in London and certainly not from someone found essentially through the yellow pages. Anyway, boiler expert Lee arrived this afternoon and within about 20 minutes had the heating working and hot water coming out of the taps. He identified the problem which requires some specialist spare part and has recommended someone also local who is an expert in our sort of boiler and so hopefully we can get it fixed and functioning for good. Result. So at the time of writing this I am at least warm.

Earlier on today we took the woof dog out for a walk over the hills to the South west coast path where we had the misfortune to come across what can only be described as several hundred nutters participating in a range of long distance running races along the SouthWest coastal path. The definition of nutter, and my classification of the situation as misfortunate can be understood by thinking about the width and incline of the southwest coast path (it's about 50 to 100cm wide in places and very steep and ondulating given that it follows the Jurassic coast throughout Dorset) and then recalling the amount of rain that fell the night before (a lot). This all lead to basically a mud slide in places which is manageable when tackled slowly and whilst wearing the appropriate footwear (Wellies) but made a lot worse by idiot runners wearing trainers and trying to overtake other users of the public footpath between gorse bushes and over slippery bridges. It wasn't long before I was quite irritated by these people who seemed to assume that we would just get out of their way so they could hurtle past us on the narrow paths because they had shouted 'coming through' as they approached us panting and sweating from behind. The key issue was that due to the narrowness of the path there was no where to get out of the way to , a fact which seemed to have escaped most of these Lycra clad sadists. Barney did his best to trip a few of them up, but in short it was disappointing that they managed to ruin what was an otherwise good walk.

So, despite the initial cold snap and the mud bath of a walk, it is super to be able to have a change of scenery and some brisk sea air, which is a tonic all by itself. And if that is not positive enough, I just have to recall the look of misery on some of those mad runner's faces as they slipped their way along the Jurassic coast, and be very grateful for my hunter Wellies.

Happy Christmas Team Project Nicola

Apart from to Mr Man, I don't send Christmas cards anymore .  This might seem odd from someone who is so excited about Christmas and who has talked in this blog about her love of writing and sending cards, but the logic is this;  Rather than spending money on buying and posting cards, in which you do not have the opportunity to write a proper letter type message, why not spend the same amount of money on making a charitable donation of some sort in lieu of cards and telling people this is what we have done.  I know that not everyone shares this view.  BF imparticular gets quite cross that I have not sent her and her family a card, but as I have told her before and will tell her again, it is my choice.  Plus she still gets a present which is much more exciting.

So here is it..... in case your email gets lost in the ether somewhere this is my Christmas card to all of Project Team Nicola.  Mr Man and I have bought you a pair of goats, but don't worry they wont make a mess on the carpet.  I hope you like them.

http://www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/ECard/ECard.aspx?P=3dbd586e-ef07-4d79-bf7c-a43cf8535da4&U=ffa66cac-a7f0-4df4-a1c9-b1739e9de621&L=92601b1a-90ec-42c1-94db-75231dc6118e

And as for writing proper cards, this way I can continue with proper correspondence throughout the festive season.  Every one is a winner.