No January blues here

January is ticking by and already the days are starting to look a little longer which is a big positive.  Now we just need to get rid of some of the cloud which is making everything look so drab and dull and we will have ourselves the makings of a nice day worth getting out of bed for. I've also always felt fairly protective over January however as lots of people seem to think it is a terrible month full of dull misery after the festive season.  This has always perturbed me since the only reason some people find January less exciting than any other month is because they make it so, by being miserable and telling themselves everything is dull.  In addition, to a general belief in the fact that you make your own destiny (if you tell yourself you're having a rubbish month, then you will do), my birthday is in January and so I spend the whole month looking forward to that, and so how can I possibly think of it as a below par month?

My recovery from the last round of chemo has taken longer than the last due to the cumulative effects of the treatment, but I am now starting to feel more awake and a little stronger which is a big plus.  Today I made it to the Blue Mountain cafe with G for a pot of tea which was a very pleasant way to spend the afternoon.  Yesterday, my Mum came to visit again and she also managed to get me out as far as the same cafe where Mum had a spot of lunch and I enjoyed a banana milkshake, which was again a nice way to spend an afternoon. Tomorrow, I have no plans as such but I am setting myself a goal to get out of the house and make it as far as one of the local cafe's for a sit down and a cup of tea.  It may not sound much but everything is taken a small step at a time at the moment.

It is also not long to go until Mr Man and I go on our reward holiday to the glorious Maldives. It has however come to my attention that due to my recent reduction in size and scale, I don't really have any clothes that fit me, including everything from underwear to outerwear. So, due to my incapacity to get out and about very far to actually visit any shops, I have this afternoon spent some time on the wonderous internet doing some shopping for basic clothing items from the ever reliable Marks and Spencer so I have something to put into my case when we go away, which does not look like ill fitting hand me downs. This is very exciting, as I now have something to look forward to in the form of a parcel being delivered from M&S with much needed new pants.  I just hope it arrives before the next sleepy phase kicks in so I don't miss the knock at the front door, as a holiday with no clothes would be quite frankly a disaster.

Sometimes all you need is a hug

There are sometimes in life when you just need your mum, and today has been one of those days. I'm very lucky in that my mum retired last summer which means she is able to come and see me fairly readily. She also doesn't live too far away which is also handy.  So when yesterday I called her and asked if she would be able to come to see me to provide some much needed company and tlc, I was very relieved when she said yes.  Today she has been here since late morning, and has made tea, toast, soup, put clean sheets on the bed for me (once she has coerced me out of it) did some washing and possibly most importantly gave me cuddles when I needed them. She sat at the end of my bed talking to me and keeping me company for the best part of the day. In short she has been an absolute angel. And I love her for it. Thank you Mum xx

Hello again

Chemotherapy is a cruel mistress. On the one hand she promises to rid me of thus invasion of unwelcome disease which is now thanks to the toxic efforts thus far of Madame chemo shrinking as it should. On the other however she makes me feel drained to my core to the extent I can barely clamber out of bed to reach a glass of water and so nauseous and sick that I couldn't dare move from the bed even if I had the energy.   I haven't eaten properly in about  a week and that's not through a lack of trying (see above point on nausea) which makes me look gaunt and saggy as if all my muscles have just caved away.  Judging by how my legs feel when I try to stand for more than a few seconds, this could well be the case in fact. I have slept for about 42 of the last 48 hours and this weariness shows little sign of abating just yet.  And these are just the physical symptoms. Mentally it is another story again. Due to the large expanses of time spent asleep it is hard to distinguish sometimes between what is real and what is imagined. And what is imagined can be quite surreal which brings its own challenges. I dreamt the other night that I was on a beach holiday in the Caribbean with the strangest mix of people ranging from randoms from university I had not thought if in years to people I have at some point in the last few years come across but hardly significantly.  Add this to the fact it was raining on the beach, there were no hotels and I had to get a boat to the mainland to collect my medication and you have the makings of a seriously disturbed nightmare. Couple this with unpredictable awake phases which tend to occur in the middle of the conventional night and you can see why chemo is both mentally and physically draining. 

So, I've now done 5 rounds of the stuff. That is 83% of the expected course.  Only one more round to go. What happens next depended very much on the next scan and how much further the chemo has shrunk the disease.  One thing is for sure though, is that there will be more treatment and so my arduous relationship with Madame chemo is far from over. 

I apologise for not blogging sooner. I realise it's been a long time but since the end of round 4 I've been wiped out and what with christmas in the way as well things have slipped a bit. Despite my fragile state and propensity to be asleep however we all had a lovely festive break at my parents where I got to nap as required and mr man was suitably fed and watered by my mum, which made both of them feel needed I think.  The astute amongst you will have noticed the hour of this posting however and so as I write in the early hours of the second day of the year when I can surely be the only person awake not nursing a hangover this tells you that whilst round 5 has been fully administered, it's effects are still on full display. Bring on the next one as I think I've just about you nailed. 

Sleeping beauty

If the fairy tales are to be believed then I should be very beautiful judging by the amount of sleep I've been getting in the last week. The mirror however seems to suggest otherwise. I also think that the large quantity of shut eye which my body has been demanding has started to influence what my brain thinks is real and otherwise. In short I am getting confused about things that have really happened and those that I have dreamt up during a drug infused doze.

An example of this fine line between imagination and reality happened on Friday morning when my overly glamourous pilot Amiga K arrived on my doorstep to say hello. As I was still in the sleepy phase post chemo, I had not long since got out of bed and so needed 10 mins to throw some clothes on and sort myself out. By the time I got back downstairs, I found Amiga K clattering around in the kitchen dressed for a night out in her patent heels, silver eye shaddow and my domestic goddess apron using every available surface to mix up some pastry and in the full throws of making mince pies.(Some people may be thinking this sounds like a bizarre kinky fantasy but believe me it is not!!) This vision of surrealness did turn out to be real as weird as it might sound but was just not a scene I was expecting particularly because the night before Mr Man and I had spent ages tidying up the kitchen as our cleaners were due to come on Friday. I don't think I hid my dismay very well, but in any case Amiga K did clear up after herself and in the nick of time before the cleaners arrived. And she left me with a tin of mince pies to feed subsequent visitors and they are very much real.

Another very real event is that Mr Man has now finished work for Christmas and so today we have escaped with the woof dog from the hustle and bustle of the city to spend a few days by the seaside in our castle. After last time we have arranged for the boiler to be serviced tomorrow so that should bean end to any nasty heating related surprises and we are hoping to get the chimney swept so we can bravely use the wood burning stove which will be very festive and cosy since it is so cold outside. Hopefully this time around we will have a more successful trip and I'll be in a better state to enjoy the fresh air and seaside scenery. Fingers and toes are all crossed.

So, our Christmas is now officially beginning. This is a very happy thought as I love Christmas and normally get very festive at this time of year. On the outside it might not look like we are too much in the spirit as we chose not to have a tree. This decision was based on the facts that we are not at home for Christmas and had planned a few days here this week, plus the obvious obstacles presented by the chemo treatment. We still have fairy lights in the trees outside and these give a festive impression to our home which is good enough for me given the circumstances. Another happy thought is that this week Mr Man and I should get to spend lots of quality time together away from home and the interruptions of his work and my hospital interventions. It should be a good chance to reconnect and relax, as well as celebrating the recent news that its not just my thighs which are shrinking as a result of all this chemotherapy. I'm looking forward to it very much.

Going up town to see the lights

So, it's one week until Christmas Eve. How exciting! Unfortunately I have spent most of this week asleep so it has sort of crept up on me a bit. I have all but one present left to buy and even that is pretty much under control now. This just leaves the normally enjoyable task of wrapping them, subject to finding some wrapping paper and the motivation to do it. Hopefully once this is done, I'll be feeling a lot more Christmassy.

I have had quite a few visits up into town recently, so I've had lots of opportunity to see the various sets of Christmas lights up and around in the west end of London. We also had a drive by past Trafalgar Square to see the famous Norwegian tree. It was on one of these Christmas light viewings that I had to have a CT scan with contrast dye. The way that this particular scan is described is as being a dynamic X-ray which feels like a 'hot flush' when the contrast dye which shows up the abnormalities. Well, whoever described it as such has almost certainly never had either a hot flush or indeed a CT scan, as to say it was a bit like a hot flush does not come close!! The best way in which I can describe the quite frankly hideous sensation which over came me would be to say it felt like my blood was being set on fire in my veins culminating in my heart feeling like it was exploding. Overall suffice to say it was not pleasant. It is no surprise therefore that even after all of my recent sleep I still needed a big lie down when I got home to get over the whole ordeal.

Despite the distress of the ordeal, we have now had the results of the nasty CT scan, and the upshot is, it's all shrinking. Everything is on track to beat this thing which is reassuring. I'm just looking forward to being awake and alert enough to celebrate this milestone. In the meantime, I'm still enjoying my naps. And believing myself healthy and pain free.

A renewed energy

So, I am now officially over 2/3 of the way through the planned chemotherapy programme having made it through four complete sessions now. Woo hoo! This is quite an achievement, especially given how terribly round three played out, which meant I was quite nervous as we started round four, especially with the added complication of a fault with my Borg port which delayed things by 2 days. Anyway, these hurdles and anxieties were overcome and I'm happy to report that I am now on the other side of round four and starting to get more energy and appetite which is a big step forward in the very rightest of directions.

This week aside from sleeping I managed to be awake enough for a visit from my very good friend Jimbo (of the jet set fame). For a boy he is not that bad at keeping in touch but we were quite appalled to realise that we hadnt actually seen each other properly since his wedding to the lovely E, which was nearly 4 years ago.... Terrible. We do speak quite regularly through the technological marvel that is Skype normally whilst he is bored on a night stop somewhere in America and texts and emails flow occasionally, but to have not spent any time face to face for long seems wrong, however as is the case with any true friend it really doesn't matter as from the second he walked in the front door this afternoon to the moment he left early this evening, we were chattering about everything and everything as if we were picking up from yesterday's tea party. It was a lovely afternoon. As well as being great company Jimbo also kindly offered to and empty the dishwasher and made tea, in addition to arriving armed with cupcakes to start with.  Plus, the first thing he said when opening the cupboard to make the tea was "what lovely mugs" on spotting a fine selection of Emma Bridgewater, so I was smiling from the off really.

And it has not just been one friendly angel who has visited me this week. Whilst i was having chemo on Friday the old goat came along for a few hours to keep me company after having had the new port put in and then having to have a full day of chemo on the hospital ward rathercthan in the day care centre. She always manages to make me laugh and so made what could have been a very dull and miserable afternoon into something quite fun. Then, in yesterday's quagmire of sleep requirement coupled with the dazedness and confusion normally associated with the post chemo haze, I had an urgent need for food and no way of getting anything suitable. One text to the brilliant G later and I soon had several cans of fruit to provide me with the necessary sustenance to sustain my self out of bed, and begin the long climb back from ball of exhausted mush, to real human being.  And then last night, my batteries ran out suddenly and I couldn't muster the energy to do anything, least of all finish changing the sheets on the bed which i had started in the afternoon. This might not seem much but given how important regular clean sheets are to me this, tied with my general frailty and lack of motivation to move caused me to have a bit of a patheticness attack, when Lil' Sis responded to my cry for help and spent her evening feeding me spoon peaches, sweet tea and most importantly put clean sheets on my bed so I could have as restful a nights sleep as possible.  So although I am still tired and in the post chemo haze where I loose myself mid sentence, get a bit confused when trying to do more than one thing at once, I am starting to come through it and sat nights good sleep really helped. 

Today's happy thought therefore is that these individuals have all delivered support and assistance to me in my hour of need, and all three have contributed to my recover in this cycle.  From talking to the old Goat,Jimbo, G and Lil' Sis I also realised that in the abyss of chemo and the distress of the last cycle i have lost track a little of what positive really looks like. It has therefore reminded me that the need to be positive has to be specific and so I am focussing on two key positive thoughts at present; I am healthy; I am pain free.  Please join me in manifesting these happy, positive thoughts to make them  a reality as soon as possible. That way we can all get back to normal and I can get back to making tea for visitors in my home rather than the other way round!!

Slight detours are part of every journey

It has been a frustrating week so far. I started off in a lot of pain and was actually sick over the weekend which is a new side effect for me, and it left me feeling pretty rubbish to say the least. I was hopeful though that once the chemo round 4 got underway the pain would recede as it has done in the past. Disappointingly, round 4 has had to be postponed as when I went for the routine bloodtests they found my so called magical port had "broken" and so they could not draw blood from it nor can I have chemo injected until it is fixed. I am currently waiting to hear when they can fix the port which will involve another hospital procedure and once I know that then I'll know whn chemo can recommence. In the interim, I have a team of pain specialists working with me to reduce the pain and sickness which I am currently enduring.

This post therefore may not be as perky or as interesting as some of my others but it is serving a very important purpose; it is letting you all know what is going on so you can keep sending positive thoughts in my direction and in turn it allows you to understand why I am not answering the phone or returning messages as faithfully as I normally do. Until I feel better and everything is back on track I will be focussing on me time and taking all the positive energy I can find to turn this little unplanned detour into a scenic diversion. Thank you all for your love, positivity and understanding.